It was a normal day. I went to school, came home, ate some food; pretty routine. It was so weird that it was that day because it was so normal, like literally nothing was out of the ordinary. I never really knew how death can impact someone so much.  I kept telling him, “You should go to the doctor, please go.”

But he didn’t.

He ignored me and went to the basement.

After a while my brother came downstairs looking for my dad. He said he didn’t hear him, so he and I went downstairs together. When we got downstairs, we saw our dad laying on the floor, and I was honestly so scared. I went into this shock that I can’t really describe. Jose and I kept moving and shaking him, wanting him to wake up, but he wouldn’t.

At such a young age, I still knew something was wrong, but I never knew it’d be this. I don’t think I could get that image of him lying there lifeless and unresponsive out of my head. Ever. We called our cousin and the ambulance, and then the paramedics came and took my dad away. That was the last time I’d ever see him. I was 11 years old when I saw my dad for the last time. Being so young, the whole idea of his death didn’t really hit me until we got the news at the hospital. When my family and I got there, my aunt told us that there was nothing else that they could do and that they tried everything they could.

He died of a heart attack.

On that day, August 31, 2011, I lost my best friend; it finally hit me. And that news hit me like a ton of bricks. Losing him felt like my insides were shutting down, or like my world stopped spinning. And to me it had. I just wish I could go back to that day, and tell him that I love him because I feel like I didn’t do that enough. I just hope he knew that.

My whole center of gravity changed without my dad in it. I remember crying with my brother nonstop that night. I couldn’t believe he was actually gone, it was all so sudden. He was torn away from me. I stopped eating, and I didn’t want to talk to anyone for a while because after he died, all I could do was regret the bad memories that I had with him. That’s all I could remember.

Like the time when I was ten and told him I hated him, I remember that so clearly it makes me sick. It was so stupid, all the arguments were. Now I can’t take them back no matter how much I want to. Even though we were on good terms at the time of his death, it still makes me feel so bad. I was never really given the chance to say goodbye before he was gone forever.

But it’s weird because to this day, it’s hard for me to remember anything about him. There is one specific memory though; it sticks out to me more than anything . It was when my grandfather passed away ten months earlier. My dad came to me and told me things I will never forget.

“I love you Tania, and I’ll always be here for you. If you need anything I’m here.” That memory of him stays with me the most over literally everything else.

After the funeral, I didn’t go back to school for weeks. My siblings and I moved in with my aunt. My aunt is so amazing; I love her tremendously. She stepped up so much to take care of us after my dad had died. I consider her to be my mom. Because of everything that she’s done for my brother, my sister and I, she may as well be. After a few more weeks, I began to cope and get past my dad’s absence in my life, but things just kept getting worse.

My real mother tried to win custody over us, and that caused an even bigger problem between my family. It just wasn’t the right time for all of that. She wanted us back, but we didn’t want her. She wasn’t my mother in my eyes, and I was already in the process of getting over my dad, so I definitely got over her too.

Therapy then became a really big part in my healing process because of everything that was happening. Going there and talking about my problems at the time was really hard because there were so many; I didn’t know where to start. But I had a really caring therapist, and with her kind words and good advice, her help made such a large difference in my healing process.

I’m better now with things like emotion. Showing my true feelings towards others hasn’t been much of a problem for me since then. I don’t have to go to therapy anymore and I’m happy because I’m much more aware of people and relationships and how they affect me. But there’s still no doubt in my mind that my father’s death will be the only thing I’m really connected to. That’s all I can really hold onto now. I don’t think the thought of someone else passing away will ever affect me as much as my dad’s did. Like I said, he was my best friend.

Being as young as I was, I think it affected me more than it would have now. Like I’d still be sad, but I’m more understanding about his health problems and why he died the way he did. His death has taught me how to be stronger and become my own person and really cherish the people I have now in my life. But I feel like if  my father didn’t pass away, I would be the same little girl I was five years ago: really quiet and shy. And I wouldn’t want to be that person. Even though my life is harder without him, I like it the way it is now. I have amazing family and friends to thank for who I’ve become. I wouldn’t be who I am now without them.