“Ten fingers. Ten toes. She has all her appendages. Everything looks perfect,” the doctor’s voice rang out in the midst of all the chaos, and then they laid her on my chest.

I expected to feel the rush of motherly love that is so often talked about right away, so I was absolutely terrified when I didn’t. I’ve had years to think about this moment, but it is still hard to put into words. It wasn’t that I didn’t love this brand new baby, but I was so terrified and in awe of what just happened, of giving birth to a human, that the whole thing was just surreal.

IT BEGINS

When your water breaks, it comes out gushing, much more than you would ever expect.

SWOOSH.

You are instantly freezing, left with your teeth chattering like you’re having a seizure, and not to mention completely soaked.

When my water broke, I realized I had never been more humiliated in my whole life.

Then come the contractions.

Let’s put it this way, having contractions is like you are a whipped dog. You are already down and then someone hits you again and all you can manage is a whimper.

It’s a pain that you can’t describe. You are being ripped to the point where you are not even aware you have a rest of the body, besides where the pain is focused.

You can’t even breathe.

THE BIRTH

The actual birth can go one of two ways, a Cesarean section or a vaginal birth.

I can’t tell you how many different strangers come and go out of the room while you are having a baby. Even though all the doctors and nurses are extremely kind and comforting, the bottom line is you are still laying there undignified, about to give birth, in a room full of people who you wish would just leave.

With the C-section, they wheel you into the operating room and strip you. Not only are you butt naked and VERY pregnant, but your arms and legs are strapped down to the table, like you are the Crucifix. What a view.

You are completely awake for the whole process, up until they sew you up at the end. The good thing is, you feel nothing.

I remember I could hear the doctor’s scalpel, but I felt completely fine.

The doctors make two cuts, one in your skin and one on the inside to actually take the baby out.

The whole thing seemed short to me, maybe 30 seconds long.

After the baby came out, I looked up at the anesthesiologist and he said, “Goodnight!” and then I was out. At that point, I was ready for it all to be over.

When it comes to a vaginal birth, it is a long and exhausting process.

Once you get numbed with an epidural, you can’t feel much pain, but the hours on end of straight pushing is exhausting. I was not prepared for the amount of energy you have to exert in order to have a baby.

When the baby finally comes out, you feel instantly lighter. It’s the weirdest sensation.

A few minutes later, you push the placenta out. It is large and way gross. My doctor showed mine to me like it was an actual baby even though I had no desire to see it, because placentas are disgusting. I wanted it to be disposed of with the rest of the medical waste.

The best part about giving birth? When it is finally over.

THE RECOVERY

Besides a small scar right below the bikini line, the recovery from a C-section is pretty smooth, especially when compared to that of a vaginal birth.

After giving birth vaginally, you are in so much pain that you can’t stand up by yourself. The amount of blood that kept coming for a month after I gave birth was ridiculous. Your nurse actually has to watch you pee to see how much blood fills the toilet. You are swollen and it hurts to even move.

Giving birth is a cruel joke; it is terrifying and undignified in every way. But, having a child is well worth the trauma. Being a mother changes every fiber of who you are, and how you view the world. You will never know how much you can love another person until you have a child.

Nothing ever changed me as much as that. Marriage, new jobs, whatever, nothing changed me like having a child did.