One of the worst things was constantly hearing “everything will be fine”, but the reality is it is not fine nothing is “fine.”

It really started freshman year, that is when I really felt lost; I did not know who I was anymore. During group projects I was the one who would sit there, shutting others out, not talking to anyone. Everyday I thought “don’t talk to me, I’m having a bad day.” The only problem was this was an everyday occurrence.

My old group of friends did not help with where I was. The family issues did not help that much ether. I’m a Christian, and with everything going on I fell deeper into this hole and didn’t feel like I could fall to faith for guidance.

My mom has had cancer twice: the first time was when I was two and I did not realize what was going on at the time because I was so young. My mom then got sick again when I was in third grade. She had to go to radiation and we couldn’t see her for a week. During that week I really realized how awful it would be to lose her; she is my best friend. This past year she had a cyst on her ovaries. They did an ultrasound and if it was cancerous it would have been her third treatment. This not only got at my emotions, but this also challenged my faith. My dad also struggled, but with alcoholism. He got a DUI; how do you explain to your friends that your dad has a DUI and can’t drive anywhere?

I soon started to realize that my friends were not the best for me. I remember this one time coming to school in some more comfortable clothes and one of my friends just looking at me and then saying, “what are you wearing? We don’t wear those kind of clothes.” I started to figure out who was the best for me and who to cut out. This helped a little in this situation that I was in, but maybe cutting people off wasn’t the best.

I like to ask my close friends what they thought of me when they first meet me, so I did one day and I was caught off guard by the answer. They said they thought I was a bitch, and that they would not have started to talk to me unless I have started the conversation because they were scared to approach me. I even asked my mom, she was not surprised that I got that response; she said she would never talk to me if I went to school with her. This is what really hurt, to know I made someone feel that way, and to know someone thought that about me. I know you shouldn’t care what others think but it was hard not to at that moment. That is when I realized I am someone I never wanted to be. I want to be known as that person who you could tell anything to even if you were a stranger to me.

During this time I tried to reflect on who I really was turning into and how this whole situation was affecting my future. I started to really realize who was actually there for me. There was one girl who wanted me to go with her to her youth group. I was not into it at first; I did not want to go to a place where someone would just shove faith down my throat. She soon became one of the people who was there the most for me, but not only did her support help me, but her attitude towards life helped me too. I would complain about something I was going through, but then hearing the kind of situations she had, and just watching her bounce back and be such an optimist about some really awful situations.

Going to youth group really helped me find who I was again and helped me find such a strong group of people who will always be there for me even if I was in the wrong. Faith is what really brought my back. Losing myself was not the worst thing that ever happened to me. I remember thinking why me a lot, like why do I have to have a mom with cancer? Why do I have to have an alcoholic dad? Not realizing that everything would get better with time, and a better attitude towards the bad things that came my way.

Right now my life in a much better place than it was back during freshman year. My dad is about ten years sober, and my mom is doing a lot better, and I plan on attending Whitewater in the fall. I still attend the youth group I first attended. I never thought things could turn around then, but now I am such a good place and so thankful for everyone who helped me find myself again.