I thought I was just sick.

cough

I thought it was my asthma acting up again and that was why I couldn’t breathe. Boy was I wrong.                                      

cough

Towards the middle of the semester, my asthma started making it harder and harder to fully participate in gym and sports. I got sick somewhere along the way and had to play catch up in my classes so that I didn’t fall too far behind in first semester. I thought I was getting better, that this cold was finally going away.

Really, it was just a whole bunch of coughing to start with.

cough

cough

cough

My mom took me to the doctor to see what was wrong. The doctor did his thing and told me that I had to get a chest X-ray. The dark room was extremely chilling because I thought that I was just dealing with a normal, everyday cold.

That’s when we saw it.

The tumor.

The reason why I could not breathe lately.

It started with a whole bunch of coughing because the tumor was growing right on my chest and was spreading throughout my lymph nodes. Since it was growing on my lymph nodes, it was getting harder and harder to breathe.

When I heard that I had Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma for the first time, I was just angry that I had it. I wanted to continue going out for sports. I loved to play sports. Sports were a huge part of my life and, after football season, I could not wait to go out for other sports this year like lacrosse. I had always stayed as active as I could by going out for sports and I enjoyed being out there with my friends. I looked at the athletes who walked past me after school and down the halls and I just thought, Wow. That could have been me. But no, I can’t go out for any sports right now.

Once I actually took the time to think about it, I realized that it was pretty scary. I know that by being a boy, you’re always told to stay strong and stay tough, but I cried. It honestly sucks and I cried. I didn’t care at that point. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I didn’t know what to do besides cry. I cried and I cried because after that initial wave of shock and anger, I just felt vulnerable and alone. I felt like nobody else could possibly know what I was feeling and that I would have nobody to talk to when things got tougher. I thought that people would act differently around me and be more timid when they spoke to me.

But I wasn’t alone at all. My family and friends have been there for me since the beginning and are supporting me through it all. I do not think I would be where I am today without their support. My parents and my brother were super worried.

I think my dad was more worried than my mom and brother though, if that was even possible. I think he was more worried because his mom died from cancer. But my whole family was scared and did not know how to react because it’s something that you don’t think could ever happen to somebody so close to you. I’m in a good place right now, so everybody is able to relax a little bit for now.

For chemotherapy, I have to go into the hospital so many times a week. I have a port in my chest and they access it with a needle, almost like an IV. The medicine is in a bag just like it would be for an IV. I’ve completed about two months of chemotherapy so far and have about five more after that followed by oral pills for the next two years. The chemo doesn’t really hurt since I have the port, but I just have to keep watching out for the side effects.

I’ve still had to play catch up a bit this semester, but it hasn’t been too bad. It is just mentally and physically exhausting. Mentally, I am not the same. Physically, I am not the same. I am always worried about something happening that will land me back in a room with four white walls in the hospital, and it shows on my face a lot. I can’t really make any plans for after school because I have no idea how I’m going to feel. I don’t know if I’m going to feel faint throughout the day or how my body is going to react to everything, especially after chemo because of the side effects.

One of the side effects that I’ve had to deal with is a really high temperature. Because of this, I had to be admitted to the hospital, but I’m all good right now. Most days, I feel pretty good. But obviously the days that I get chemo, and sometimes the day after, I feel more physically drained because it’s making my blood count go low.

But I’ve learned that I am so much more than my cancer, that I am strong. I know that I have cancer and I know that it is unpleasant and that it sucks. This is how I move forward, by telling myself that it will all work out in the end and that I’m okay. I’m tougher than this and it will all work out. I’m in a good place now.