As the holiday season rolls in, we are all reminded of our favorite Christmas memories and traditions with family and friends. I recall all of my faux phone calls with ‘Santa’ telling him how good I was all year and promising to write to him about everything I wanted. I was a very fortunate child and got a lot of the things I asked for each year. Christmas was a day of so many blessings and cherished moments with my family.

All of my favorite Christmas memories are spent with my family. A few weeks before Christmas, my family gets together to make cookies for all of our neighbors, family, friends and, of course, Santa. I’m reminded of all the sleepovers my sisters and I would have on Christmas Eve and our love for this special night. Christmas traditions are certainly one the most important celebrations for me and my family; that’s why my dad bought my mom a new wedding ring and re-proposed to her on Christmas. It made this day even more special. I obviously wasn’t around when my parents first got engaged, so being able to see their love be rekindled in this moment will forever be a moment frozen in time for me. I remember this so vividly; it was like it happened yesterday. That image painted in my head is replaced with the reality; the reality is that this is no longer my life. I no longer live in that house, or wait for Santa. Seeing the love between my mom and my dad will only be a memory, as by the next Christmas, my parents were divorced and no longer spoke to each other.

That Christmas felt so different. It is as if the magic of Christmas was drained from my family—leaving me devastated. There is no more Santa or this real-life fantasy. My ‘real life’ is something I cannot rewind or change the ending. I want a happy ending. I want my parents to have the happy ending I thought they had. I’ll never forget the joy of seeing my parents in love; it’s what every kid wants for their family. I know now that I took every real and loving moment with my family for granted. Now, the memory is just connected to the heartbreak.

It’s been about six years now that my parents have separated, but those thoughts still come back every now and then. The older I get, the more I understand. I know that my parents were unhappy, and although I wish they made each other happy, I know they will be happier without one another.

Of course, I wish that, that wasn’t the truth, but I’ve come to realize that this is the reality of it all. No matter how much I wish that my parents had worked it out, it will never change what happened. Christmas will never be the same as it once was, but I know there’s families everywhere just like mine. I’ve began to accept what cannot be changed and learn to be open to everything that comes with divorce. The holidays will never be like they used to be, but getting mad and upset at the past will never change the outcome of what the present is. It will create a worse future. It’s always hard to look at the bright side of things, but I’m still trying to find new magic and happy memories during what looks like it may be a blue Christmas.